For the Love of God, Turn it Down

There is some sort of contest going on in my house.  I do not know when it began, nor am I familiar with all of the rules, but the point seems to be that you must be the loudest thing in the house.   For example, if I am using the vacuum cleaner, my oldest son will yell in order to hear his own voice over the sound.  This will then spark my youngest to yell in order to be louder than his brother.  This chain of events will lead my husband to turn up the television.  The house will be so loud that I won’t be able to hear myself think.  I will then be forced to drink.  So, you see, I have decided that it would be in the best interest of the family if I just stopped vacuuming.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

You know what no one told me when I started this whole family business?  No one told me that I would be incharge of every object on our property.  I had no idea that I would be solely responsible for the location of everyone’s everything.  “Mom, where’s my cape, shoes,  ball, binky…..? “  “Honey, where is my drill, where is the cheese, book….”  How the hell should I know?  Do I look like Oz?  I can’t even pass for the Wiz.  I can’t keep track of my own stuf.  Every morning I forget where I put my cup of coffee atleast four times.  I consistently forget where I parked, and I drive a big vehicle, it shouldn’t be so easy to lose. 

Marriage vows would really be more acurate if they were changed to “love, honor, cherish and be responsible for his stuff.”  If it was, I don’t know if I would have been so quick to say I do.  It also would have been nice if some of my other responsibilities were highlighted.  Like, “I now pronounce you man and keeper of all pertinent information.  You may now kiss the woman who will tell you when it’s your mom’s birthday, and organize your paperwork.” 

Thats the thing that really gets me, “What should I do with this?”  I have no idea, it isn’t mine.  “Where should I put this?”  Bend over and I’ll show you.  Here’s a crazy idea, put it somewhere where you can find it.  Again, I’m not the person to ask.  I admit that my own organizational system has flaws.  I put things I don’t know what to do with on top of the fridge.  I am organizationally crippled, how am I supposed to keep track of all of the earthly posessions of four people?  The people at Pottery Barn suggest color coding things for people.  What a load of cr**.  Why can’t everyone just keep track of thier own stuff.  I’m not suggesting that my two toddlers should scheduele thier own doctor’s appointments, but maybe they could look for thier shoes before they ask me.

Family Relations

For every one of us who has a familial horror story to tell, there’s a mom out there who can do one better (or worse, I suppose). I, for example, have a relative-by-marriage who refuses to make eye contact with me at family gatherings, but sends my daughter gifts for every conceivable holiday via grandma & grandpa. Well, get a group of gals started on this topic, and be prepared to be stunned.

I know a woman whose mother in law drops by any hour of the day or night unannounced. This psycho grandma made a three year old macaroni and cheese for breakfast, after he rejected the pancakes she’d made him–which, of course, were what he’d asked for. She tells the toddler’s mother that she’s too hard on him because she expects him to, say, hold her hand in a parking lot or when crossing a street. But the coup de grace? This grandma fake-cries when she wants attention from the three year old! She feels that it is completely reasonable to demonstrate to a child that crying is the way to get what you want. Sweet. Toddlers aren’t already predisposed to this tactic. But what is mom to do? Her biggest “personality flaw” is that she’s way too nice.

My family is quite aware that they will simply never have unsupervised time with my child if they insist on baby talking to her, much less going against our “big issues” like vegetarianism. The best retort this particular beleaguered mom came up with actually puts her own judgment in question. When she and hell-grandma were “discussing” child rearing, she was dying to say: “Yes, and look what a great job you did; you practically socially handicapped your son!” But then again, she chose to marry the man.

Tantrums for an Audience

Anyone with a toddler knows that the smallest change to routine can spell disater for the tiny little obsessive compulsives.  I just hosted a family reunion of sorts where five of my relatives stayed in my home for roughly ten days.  While the entire visit went very well, my toddler did manage to horify and embarrass me (as toddlers often will).  While I was thrilled with how well my children were able to share toys with their cousin, I was horrified at the bad attitudes they displayed when they didn’t get their way. 

When we decided to go on a local sight seeing trip, my three year old demanded to go back home because he wanted to play instead.  When we did not comply with his wishes, he cried and threw a fit.  I was absolutley mortified.  I could not believe that he would act that way in front of everyone.   While  this was by no means his first tantrum, I was left feeling as if I had failed as a mother.  I have never given in to a tantrum or toddler whim, so when will he learn that tantrums don’t bring results, only ire?  How will I ever break the tantrum?  I have ignored, yelled,  and punished, but I can’t seem to crack the  bad behavior.  Bad behavior that is by the way much more damning when witnessed by all of your relatives, who by the way have the most well behaved child on the planet.