Celebrity Moms

I was just leafing through the latest issue of my favorite guilty pleasure, People magazine.  In it are pictures of all of the celebrity new moms.  While I am very happy for the featured celebrities and their new ridiculously named offspring, I can’t help but hate them a little.  Here they are, just leaving the hospital with their new bundle of joy while wearing their prepregnancy size 00 jeans.  Ugh.  I had my first child four and a half years ago and I have yet to pull my pre-baby jeans over my knee caps.  I continue to hang on to them although I no longer pretend that I will ever wear them again, I keep them only to remind me of what once was.  Like privacy or free time, they are a thing of the past.

Missing: Brain Cells

I have a fairly responsible job. I meet deadlines every week and am often asked to participate in larger organizational strategy, new product launches, and the like. So it is fair to say I have, in some circles, been considered to be a fairly bright woman. No more.

I heard many rumors that giving birth lowers one’s intelligence, but I’d always figured it was like brunettes (like me) telling jokes about blondes (like Amanda). You know, the non-moms being a bit snarky about the breeders. Uh, no. I won’t say that my brain cells actually left my body via the afterbirth, or that they were necessarily absorbed osmosis-style by my wee fetus, but damn if they didn’t disappear. It could be the fact that I almost never have the luxury of focusing on one task any longer; it is amazing what I can accomplish one handed, or while also reading a story, or with one window of my screen on work while another one is open playing Bugs Bunny Classics on YouTube (okay, I’m a bad mom, too).

But today takes the cake. I just realized I have house guests coming Sunday. From France. I actually wrote the date on my calendar for these same dates Next Month. I know that I could save up for breast augmentation to undo some baby-related damage, but what about my IQ? Do they have vanity surgery for that?

A New Mother’s Dictionary

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine who had many questions about the changes a woman’s body undergo surrounding pregnancy.  As she grew up with out a mother and had no close female relatives, she only knew what had been presented in books.  I will go on record as saying that the current books available about preganacy are very informative and should be considered a great resource material.  However, that said, they are no substitute for a nitty gritty, reality discussion with an honest girlfriend.  Being that I am nothing with out being honest ( I am willing to tell you that your butt looks big or that your shoes are ugly in effort to help) I have developed a quick vocabulary list of conditions and terms that may be experienced in the antepartum period. 

Acne:  Even if you never suffered from this affliction before, the next nine months may introduce you to it.  I am convinced that the term “glowing” is just a nice way to say oily.  In my case the phrase “you’re glowing” surely meant, “you are sweaty and oily, lean forward I would like to see my reflection, I’m trying a new lipstick.”

Anger:  You know what it is, expect it.  You are likely to feel very a lot of emotions during this time and anger will likely be a common one.  If you don’t have it now, wait until your little bundle turns two.  I recommend gritting ones teeth as an intervention for this.  It is also a good idea to let your spouse know that while he shouldn’t take it personally, you may start to hate him.

Bacne:  This is the term for acne located on the back.  Bacne can be very upsetting because it is hard to reach and therefore hard to eradicate.  While pregnant with my oldest child I had severe bacne.  One particular pimple became so large and so painful,  I had to seek help from my husband who recoiled upon first sight of the thing, complaining that the pimple had it’s own heartbeat.  As an act of love and mercy, he bravely lanced it and squeezed out the demons, allowing me to once again lay on my back.

Bored:  Expect to feel this way when going to a party while in the family way.  Your friends are sadly not as interesting when you are sober.

Cankles:  A condition associated with the swelling of the legs by which the ankle and the calf morph into one entity.   For example, “I can’t wear those shoes, the strap won’t fit over my cankle.”

Dingleberries:  There is a good chance that with your expanding waistline, your personal grooming after number two will be slightly compromised.  Please take drastic measures to avoid this.  I recommend trying to wipe from different angles.  Do not be afraid to try using the new moist toilet wipes.  They are God’s personal gift to those who poo.  Short of putting the Charmin in the freezer, there is no greater bathroom refreshment.

Exhaustion:  This is natural.  Do not feel that there is something wrong with you.  It is okay to go to sleep right after “Jeopardy.”

Embarrassment:  Get used to this.  Babies may cry at inopportune times, but nothing compares to what a toddler will do to destroy you.  The kicker is that later your child will complain that it is you who is the embarrassment.

Family Fun:  You will put a ridiculous amount of pressure on your self to have this, however, it is a myth.  Family fun happens, it is not created.  This is a topic that will be explained in detail at a later date.

Frig:  You will now have to develop new swear  words to avoid saying the real articles.  You will spend your life censuring yourself and after your youngster’s first day at school he will come home with a new vocabulary that will make sailors blush.

Gas:  You know what it is.  Expect it.  Do not be embarrassed, farts equal funny.  Once your pregnancy gas goes away, your baby will come out sounding like an M-16.

Hair:  There is a chance that you will become the bearded lady for a few months, but this is temporary, do not be afraid to wax. 

Heartburn:  More than likely, everything will give you heartburn.  There is an old wives tale that says if you have heartburn it means that your baby will have a lot of hair.  I have had two children and according to the tale I thought they might have been monkeys, but they were born human and while they both had a full head of hair, they were hardly the wookies that I was expecting.

Incompetent:  As a new parent, you will have an overwhelming feeling of incompetence.  This is normal, try not to freak out about it.

Jelly:  The new consistency of your lower abdomen.  Once you have a baby, you will be faced with a bag of doughy flab where your belly button used to be. 

Kids:  The obnoxious end to the whole pregnancy.  Those wonderful babies will turn into kids.  Be prepared.

Love:  You will learn the meaning of love the moment you give birth.  This love will be tested beyond your wildest dreams.

Muffin top:  See Jelly.  They flab that sits just above your pubic area.  Also called a FUPA (fat upper pubic area).

Nipples:  When breastfeeding they will become their own entity.  I am relatively certain that while breast feeding my youngest an image of them was captured from a satellite. 

Nuts:  Part of the important phrase, “You kids are driving me NUTS!!”  Learn it, you will say it often.

Obsolete:  Once your maternity leave is over, you may fear that you will be obsolete.  This is not true.  Six weeks is not as long as you think.  Your coworkers have just gotten used to you being gone. 

OB/GYN Path:  The rut you leave in the road from your frequent trips to the doctor. For example, “Is it Monday again, time to get back on the OB/GYN path.

Overextended Bladder:  You will exceed the limits of your bladder while preparing for ultrasound.  For example, “Please don’t drive over the rail road tracks, I have overextended my bladder.”

Poopy Diapers:  Brown is the new black.  Between infancy and potty training you will change roughly one billion dirty diapers.

Pump:  The bane of the breastfeeding mothers existence.  You will probably have to use a breast pump at some time.  This is both the best and worst thing you will experience.  As the suction begins, you must hold your breath and swear as it is the only way to keep from crying.  For a five second period of time you may feel that your soul is being sucked out of you via the nipple.  I often felt that putting my nipple in the pencil sharpener would hurt less.  Once this initial pain period passes you will feel a rush of exquisite relief. 

Quiz:  Once that wonderful baby turns into a toddler, life becomes a quiz of why, why, why?  You won’t know all the answers and you won’t care.  You will most likely just want a drink.

Rank:  As mother, you outrank all other family members.  Sometimes you may have to pull rank, for example, “As his mother, I don’t think he should eat M&M’s for breakfast.”

Roids:  I’m not talking about bulking up with steroids, I’m talking about hemorrhoids.  Know that it can happen to you, don’t live in denial there is help available.

Sex life:  It will take some time before you become reacquainted with this concept.  During pregnancy and for sometime after birth this will be a myth, a legend, as rare as the white buffalo.   With any luck it will rise from the ashes, if not, have no fear, Vodka and fancy underwear have fixed more difficult problems.

Toddler:  Perhaps the most frightening creature on the planet.  The toddler possesses no decorum, logic or natural fear.  Do not let your guard down when handling these creatures.

Ugly:  You will probably feel really ugly while you are pregnant.  Regardless of what you look like, the process of  childbirth will destroy your self image.  Try not to get too bent out of shape, it can always get worse.

Vanity:  Vanity needs to be put on hold for a few months surrounding child birth.  See ugly.

Whining:  The native dialect of children.

Xanax:  Prescription drug previously known as “mother’s little helper.”  Mick Jagger knew of what he spoke.

Youth:  Truth be told you will lose your youth to your children.  My oldest child is 4 and I feel I have aged decades in those 4 years.

Zoo:  Children will make you feel like you live in a zoo.