Decision Difficulty

I assume that the world has been spinning for the last four years.  I can only assume this, as I have not actually witnessed it for myself.  You see, I have spent the last four years at home with only two toddlers to keep me company.  While I love them dearly, spending every moment with them has left me feeling, for lack of a better word, alienated.  So, when last week a woman called me up and offered me an ideal job, at a place I had often thought I would like to work, I took it. 

Accepting the job left me emotionally conflicted, somehow, getting what I wanted made me more stressed than ever.  I was thrilled with the job offer, but suddenly I had to make a big decision.  Going back to work might make me happy, but what would it mean for my family.  My children’s happiness meant so much more to me than my own, how could I consider compromising it for a little personal fulfillment? 

Then, even more questions arose.  While they may be happy at home with me, was I giving them enough stimulation?  Was I giving them everything they needed to grow up?  Was I being selfish in thinking they needed me?  Did I need them?  Why couldn’t I quit talking in questions? 

After some soul searching, and opinions from everyone I ever met and some I didn’t,  (everyone wants to weigh in on this one) I decided that maybe it would be good for the kids to have a little time to grow up independent of me and each other.   Besides, opportunity doesn’t knock too often, best to take the job and try it, rather than burn the bridge.  In nine months my oldest will be in kindergarten and my youngest will be in preschool, then what will I do (I mean after I dance the jig and do naked cartwheels up and down the street (just kidding, I can’t do cartwheels)). 

Once this was settled, a new drama was unfolding… daycare.  I had no experience with daycare.  I had no idea how hard finding adequate day care was.  Actually finding inadequate day care is kind of tricky if you want to know the truth.  There are only limited numbers of slots for kids of each age group.  It is actually easier to create weapons of mass destruction than it is to obtain one of these slots.  It seems women sign for these slots years before conception, and in most states, must give at least one vital organ as a deposit.  When I called around town looking for a day care, there were audible snickers coming from the other end of the line when I told them that I needed to start in two weeks.  It was only by the grace of God that I happened to call a school the same day that another child’s family gave notice that they were moving out of state.  This final hurdle passed, I was able to start my new job.  Many adjustments have taken place and I know many more will come, but right now, I’m happy with my decision. 

Tripple A

As Amanda so sagely put it: I make Woody Allen seem calm. In my office, they describe certain people as Type A. They call me Tripple A. In part, this is why I opted not to be a stay at home mother, out of fear I would put this level of hyper energy into over programming my poor child’s every waking moment.So when it came to childcare options, I researched. I have a spreadsheet to prove it. Same with pre-school: I have a file folder with research on everything from Montessori to KinderCare. Well, I finally came to the conclusion that she’s happy where she is and that they have a lovely preschool teacher and all is right with the world. But no. She quit.

So now they’ve “promoted” a wonderful caregiver who not only isn’t a certified preschool teacher, she didn’t even attend college. Now I realize that teaching preschool is not akin to rocket science, but this did throw me for a loop. All my research and planning for naught!

Best part: I didn’t even find out about the teacher situation until I picked my daughter up after her first day of preschool. She was so excited, wearing a new dress and toting a new thermos in her lunch box.

When I got to school, she was playing on the Pirate Ship for the first time, as only the preschoolers get to, so I sat down with another mom to watch. I turn to the mother and say, “So, big day, huh?” She looks at me blankly. “First day of preschool, my girl was so excited.” “Uh,” says this other mom, “how do I get my son in preschool?” I must have sat for a full minute in shock, then replied “well, he is in preschool, he’s three.” “Oh,” she said in a near monotone, “good.” Can I get a chorus of reality check?

Childcare Chaos

My daycare/ preschool is good. I wouldn’t say it is perfect, but is any? Frankly, I don’t see me staying at home with my dear as the “perfect” option either. Anyhow, a lot of the preschools in my area don’t offer any before or after school care and close all summer. Mine “only” closes two weeks a year. Anyone with a toddler knows how they cling to routine; how they adore habit; and how they completely FREAK OUT if anything changes. So while a mere two week change in our habits may seem fairly insignificant–to a 3 year old, well…

Of course other than the OCD-level twitching that has gone on each morning when she asks “Am I going to school today?” and is gently rebuffed, we also must contend with the various solutions, okay, band aids I have slapped on the problem. I thought I was simply brilliant asking one of the younger teachers  if she’s like to come to my house to babysit while I work at home three days a week. My girl loves “miss Amy” but my presence in the house has caused a number of melt downs… culminating in “mommy, I want to be with you… I miss you.” Uh, ya, this is four hours with someone who plays with her the whole time, whereas I’d be mostly ignoring her, uh, I mean encouraging independent play, while I work.

The other two days, I have to make an epic commute into an office so my girl is at Grandma’s house. Yesterday, they picked berries, played on the swings, she got to watch more TV in a day then we allow in a week, and she got to wear a wiggles costume for hours. Does it get better than that if you are three? But she is already having mini panic attacks over not going to school tomorrow. Shockingly, it appears that once again my childcare solution will not be perfect.