Night Terrors

We hit the playground for a play date yesterday and found out that my daughter’s pal, who is a boy almost exactly her age–3 years 9 months–has had nightmares for about five months. Nightmares on a variety of subjects that wake him (and the whole family) 5 out of 7 nights a week, and usually result in heading to bed with mom. She’s tried the “practical approach” i.e. there are no killer dragonflies in your room, see?; the “play along approach” i.e. okay, mommy has the magic dinosaur repellent spray and now they’re all gone… and a whole lot of other tactics besides, including high powered night lights, door open, white noise, etc…

Well, she asked for any advice I might have and frankly, I had little to offer. I suggested one trick we use when traveling: A protector stuffed animal that is posted at the foot of the bed as guard. Yet Night Terrors are quite different from “afraid of the dark” or your basic nightmares, which my girl has once and a while. Besides it also seems that, unfortunately, they are already well into a habit of an interrupted sleep cycle in which the lad gets to sleep with mom more often than not (dad can’t cope with that and heads for the guest room). So part of me fears it is now self perpetuating in that way. At the same time, she says he is truly terrified, shaking, crying, etc. so that it seems he is really afraid and that they may well be actual Night Terrors. What to do? I looked this up online and it seems that her pediatrician wasn’t just blowing her off: that the “treatment” is outgrowing them. One site I saw suggested waking the child before they normally happen. Eesh. I’d welcome any suggestions we could offer this sleep deprived family.

To Nap or Not to Nap

To nap or not to nap, that is the question. A friend of my daughter, who is exactly 10 days older than she is (3.5) came over for a couple of days last week while daycare was closed for vacation. His grandparents picked him up after lunchtime and my daughter asked his grandma if he was going home to take a nap. His grandmother gave me an exasperated look and confided that the young lad doesn’t nap anymore because it wasn’t “convenient for his mother.”

It is a fact: naps are not always convenient. While the fact that my girl still takes an afternoon nap is really the only reason I can have her come home at lunch the three days I work from home–knowing I’ll get a minimum of two more hours of uninterrupted work after she and I have an hour together around lunch time. So in a way, naps are convenient for me (and I’m sure most moms welcome a couple of peaceful hours a day).

At the same time, I totally get how inconvenient they are. When we’re trying to plan our weekends, we always have to factor in naptime in the early afternoon or be prepared to reap the aftermath of a grumpy child. I’m actually thrilled we’re to a point where our girl can occasionally skip a nap and not necessarily be downright evil as a result.

There’s no doubt that kids need a lot of sleep. At 3.5, most kids need between 11.5 – 12.5 hours of sleep a day, which can be at night or split between nighttime and a nap. This knowledge (and the reality of our child’s behavioral issues if she’s sleep deprived) has kept the nap part of our life for one other big reason, simple familial math: My husband would only see our daughter for a couple of minutes a day if she didn’t nap. He’s gone from 7:20-5:50 every day. If she slept 12 hours a night from say, 7-7, uh, he’d glimpse her on the way out the door and get to gaze at her across the dinner table before tucking her in. So despite some hard spells in which naptime have been a battle of wills, and a few short spells in which naptime was really an hour quietly reading in her bed, the nap remains part of our lives–convenient or not.

Sleep Help Wanted

All and all, my girl is what is known in mommy-circles as “a good sleeper.” She slept 6 hours a night at 6 weeks, took two naps until about 18 months and still takes an afternoon nap, despite a short spell where it seemed to be vanishing. Yet, like all children, we have bouts of sleep-resistance. This week, the nighty night ritual has been extended well beyond winding down, jammies, and tucking in. You see, everything is wrong. If the fan is off, my daughter is too hot. If the fan is on, it is bothering her. Shutting it off isn’t enough, now it must be removed from the room. Oh, but wait, her dolly’s hat fell off and “WAHHHHHH” she can’t get it back on. When it is pointed out that no one sleeps in hats, not even dollys, near-hysteria ensues. How dare anyone question her fashion expertise?!? I could go on all night (and so could she, it seems).

When these cycles start, I always get sucked in on the first night or two, but even a slow-witted-mom like me catches on eventually: My girl knows she’s got me on a string and damn if she don’t love yanking it. My dear husband is a touch slower to accept that we are having a test-my-parents’-limits phase. His sweet girl must have a perfectly good reason for having trouble falling asleep. After night two of this round, he suggested we put her to bed a bit later as she clearly isn’t tired at 8:30. Huh?

Well, tonight I’ll be laying it down like napalm. Ya, she’ll be going to bed on time and she’s getting no parental response. Sure hope she empties that bladder before she gets into bed (the wily thing has been known to save a few drops so that when she insists she has to go only 10 minutes after having been put to bed… then squeezes out about six drops “just to show me.”). I’ve been sucked into weeks of this bedtime yo-yo hell in the past, but like I said, even I catch on eventually.

What happened to us??

Before we had children, my husband and I could stay out all night.  We would go out to eat at a nice restaraunt and walk to the bar with the best band.  When the band stopped playing we would walk toward home, stopping at our neighborhood bar where we would stay until closing time.  Once the bartender uttered those dreaded words, “Closing Time”  we would finish our walk home where we would have drinks and visit until dawn. 

Last night, we got a babysitter and went to a wonderful restraunt for a romantic evening away from the kids.  Our reservations were for 8:00pm and we enjoyed a wonderful meal complete with desert and coffee.  We wrapped up the meal around 10:00.  We got in the car and drove back toward town (living in the suburbs involves a lot of driving to and from places).  It was durring this drive that the following conversation took place…

        Husband:  “Where do you want to go now?”

        Me: “Home.  Belly full, me tired.”

        Husband:  “I know, but if we go home now, we didn’t give the sitter a chance to make any money.  We can’t only give her two hours, some one else will swoop in and take her from us if we can’t keep her happy.  Besides, she’ll think we’re old and lame if we go home now.”

         Me:  “We are old and lame.”

         Husband:  “We have to atleast stop for a drink.  We can’t go home yet.”

        Me:  dirty looks and yawns

       Husband:  “Real mature.”

So, begrudgingly, we went out for the afore mentioned drink.  When we arrived at the bar, we were accosted by a drunken woman spewing jibberish.  Once I was able to pry this woman off of my husband we went inside and discoved just how old and lame we were.  My husband complained the band was too loud (it really was ridiculous) and I dreamt of climbing into bed.  Once enough time had passed that we felt the sitter wouldn’t laugh at us and start booking another family for Saturday nights we were finally able to go home.  We really did have a nice time, its just that now, sitting on the couch is a nice time too. 

Yard Camping

I am exhausted today. More so than usual because of my brilliant idea to build a tent city in the yard and camp out. Oh it’s all fun and games until mommy has to sleep on the ground. I wish that were the only thing that kept me awake, but no. I set my daughter up her very own tent, which she was very excited about and played in–refusing to get out–for at least an hour before bedtime. That’s right, I put her tent right next to ours in the hope we’d get to sleep al fresco alone. Nice dream, right?

All went well: we were really roughing it, so we watched our DVD on a miniscule portable player in the center of the tent village, with our three year old peeking out the window of her tent. Then it was bedtime and I began to fear that the reality of being all alone in a tent in the yard, far from the snuggly safety of her toddler bed, would set in. But no. She went down like butter. So we decided to watch the rest of the movie just outside her tent, figuring our presence would be a comfort. Within minutes, I could hear her sleep breathing so we moved out of mosquito range and into our tent. All was well… then it began to rain. No, pour. Then fireworks started up nearby (oh ya, in addition to both reading inaccurate weather reports, we forgot that the fourth is only a few days off!). And then… nothing. She didn’t wake up! Well shoot, we thought, let’s get a few winks before she wakes us. Which she didn’t. We woke up on our own at 8:30 in the morning; at least an hour later then we ever sleep. My night of poor sleep had absolutely nothing to do with my independent girl; it was all about my own worry about the wee thing, all alone in that big tent. She can hardly wait to do it again and now that I have confirmed that I am, in fact, a ninny, I do too.

Talking Shop

Had an interesting day talking kids with people. First, at the doctor: I had to get a couple of moles hacked at, uh, I mean examined to be sure they aren’t cancer. Needless to say, situations like these prompt nervous chatter so I asked for a recommendation on kid’s sunscreen (hate to have my daughter making this same doctor visit in 30 years). She recommended Baby Blue Lizard, saying that without zinc, sunscreens aren’t actually very effective for the full spectrum. Anyhow, this led to more kid talk, which wound around to how oppositional our darling toddlers are. Mom says wait; kid bolts. Mom says sky blue; kid says red. And so on. So her 3 1/2 year old boy has started hiding from her in public places. Needless to say, this gives mom mini-heart attacks every time. The problem we both have in these situations is balancing putting the appropriate fear of danger into our kids without making them fearful. I’ve heard mom’s say things like, “If I can’t see you, some bad person will take you.” Don’t know about their kids, but mine is pretty black and white. This sort of “threat” could cause some serious nightmares simply because a three year old doesn’t grasp the distinction between possible threat and imminent danger. And as powerful as fear is as a parenting tool… well, none of us wants a terrified toddler either.

Parenting chat number two today was with a dad. He was trying to convince me that I should go to a conference in Denver. I explained that with a three year old at home, I try to minimize my business travel. Oh but wait, he has a 3 1/2 year old himself and he’s going. “Um. Ya.” I said, “You are a man.” Silence. “I guess I see your point,” he said. “And let me guess, Dxxx, you have a stay at home wife.” “Yes.” “Well,” I said, “know this will come as a shock, but I don’t.” He laughed and we moved on to other topics… like that his boy suddenly refuses to sleep in his own bed. And guess what? Mom wanted to hang tough and let him cry it out, but dad can’t take the crying. “Michelle,” he said, “he doesn’t just yell, he sobs; it is heartbreaking.” Um, Duh. This is one of the many human offspring survival tools: the heart-wrenching weeping that tugs at us and keeps us bound to the wee terrors during this difficult phase. And of course, dad will be heading off for another business trip soon. Good luck, mom. Hang tough.

Sleep-Ease

Sleep is a perpetual issue for all mothers. Both the lack of it, for the mother’s themselves (starting with erratic newborns and progressing into a dire need for calming sedatives when they reach the teens), and the need for it to keep our beloved offspring healthy and happy. I was at a play date Friday (Amanda had the gall to take off with her young for three weeks leaving me casting about for outings) and the beleaguered mother of a 3 year old and a 4 month old put her obviously-tired baby down for a nap. He screamed for a good 40 minutes before collapsing into sleep. She looked uncomfortable throughout, finally saying “We’re ferberizing.” Hey, no need to justify it to me; I am in no position to judge. My girl falls down and I don’t even respond in the least until I see if she’ll just get up, dust off, and keep playing. Or if there’s blood or the possibility of concussion, I suppose. But I digress.

I breastfed so my nap-process was influenced by the power of the sleepy-milk, as I lovingly thought of it. (Breastmilk contains a hormone called cholecystokinin, CCK, which induces sleepiness, in the baby and the mother–like she needs help at that stage.) However, there were plenty of times when I couldn’t “put” H to sleep by feeding her and I used a modified “cry it out” method by Marc Weissbluth, from the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Interestingly, given my constant likening child rearing to dog training, it was my dog trainer who recommended this excellent book. One thing Weissbluth covers is how much sleep is “normal” or needed at any given age. This is something a lot of us struggle with, particularly given the work hours of many parents: We get greedy in the evenings and want to keep our little ones awake to spend time with them.

Well, like all things human, there is a range of “normal” sleep needs, but more than likely, your kids need more sleep than they are getting. I know my husband was shocked to learn how much our toddler would need to sleep.  The three year old son of the aforementioned play date mom has officially revolted against the afternoon nap, which means getting him down for bed about an hour after dad comes home from work. It also means mom doesn’t get a much needed afternoon respite… Ultimately, though, a lack of sleep causes a lowered immune system, trouble with school performance, and behavioral issues. So finding away to develop healthy sleep habits is good for the kids. And okay, it is also nice if mom gets some time to get the laundry folded without “help” and–could it be?!?!–maybe even some grown up time with dad.

More Sleep(less) Talk

My daughter has reached that phase so often memorialized in film: Tucked sweetly into bed, door closed gently, and moments later the please begin. “Mommy, I need a glass of water. Mommy, my dolly’s dress is unbuttoned. Mommy, I have to go potty…” and so on. (The lack of a request for the equally available Daddy will go without comment, for now.) Of course my dear daughter isn’t suffering from dehydration, excessive hydration, and her dolly’s garments would remain intact if not for active little hands. Ah, fiction and reality collide. In the movies, of course, the cherub in question is likely luring mommy away from some greater peril or simply needs another consoling peck on the cheek to settle down. In my world, however, plots are not so neatly wrought. In fact, the stalling seemed to be increasing on a daily basis until I simply got to the point where I started to say (okay, after one trip to her room), I will not be back again, period. Oh the tears. And at night (as opposed to nap time), poor daddy must also endure the cries of his dearly deprived daughter (I did write deprived, yes, not depraved… good). But we are hanging tough. The punch line is that our wake-up-with-a-smile gal is now surly grumpy puss in the morning because, shockingly, her hour or so of stalling means the poor dear isn’t getting enough sleep at night.